Blah.

I am completely ashamed of myself, & the outburst of horrible things I said to my husband earlier.
I deeply hurt him.
I can be such a nasty bitch, when I am angry with him.

After a horrid morning, (he was home) with Jake, (who is just totally NOT a morning person, & continues to pull all sorts of shit,) due to having an attitude problem the minute he opens his eyes....all because he has to get out of bed for school.

He wouldn't have breakfast...he wouldn't take a jumper, (freezing day, mind you) & when asked repeatedly did he have everything he required for his day, he kept snarling "Yes" & was ready to be driven to the bus stop.

Jamie dropped him there, & when he got back, I noticed $ sitting on the kitchen table, & automatically assumed Jake had left it.

Off I raced, back to beat the bus to drop him off his lunch $ (oh, thats another gripe...he refuses to eat at school, unless he buys it.
Seriously, I am ok with that....as long as he bloody eats something, I don't mind...well, I do, but, you get me, don't ya?!)

Get to the bus stop...Jake's like, "Errrr,...I've got my $" & showed me that he did...
Oh well...my bad!

Told him I loved him, & went back home. ( I can't stand the thought of him going to school shitty at us...even if it is his own attitude problem, & not us!)
In response to that, I got a "Mmmm" & a
(To my own mother, I am soooo sooo sorry...this kid of mine is half as bad as I was....I feel for my mum, & all the shit I put her through now!)

Decided together, (Jamie & I) that enoughs enough.
For the next week, he has lost all computer privilleges (Ouch!) as well as not having his mate over this w/e, which he'd been really looking forward to, to punish him for the apalling behaviour of late.

We had decided, when he got home from school, to sit him down & tell him what was happening.
All good...all sorted, so I thought.

Jake gets home, w elet him have something to eat, 7 a drink, & when he was about to head out to see his mates, we asked him to sit down while we had a chat.
And downhill it went from there.

Jamie just ranted & raved at him about having attitude, & needing to pull his socks up & raa raa raa...I saw RED!

I must have had a pretty severe expression of non-agreeance to the way he was handling it, & he shut up instantly.
Jake wandered out the back to sit near the pool, & think about what had caused him to lose his privilleges.

I then took that opportunity to rip it up Jamie...bigtime.

I seriously think I need help....I get so angry, & this feeling of needing to protect my kids, (even from their Dad speaking in a tone in a certain way to them) & I truly think it stems from the way we (my siblings & I) were treated by our alcoholic, physically abusive father.

Jamie is nothing like my Dad.
He is a terrific Dad to our kids, has never raised a hand to them, yet, I can't stop myself when an incident occurs...it ends up in a shitfight, with me telling him how he speaks to Jake like crap!

I don't know if it even sounds that bad, all typed out like this....but, I hate it. I need to change.

And I now have a husband who is barely speaking to me, & probably wondering what the hell he is doing here, considering I think I am doing such a wonderful job...(I don't think that...it must seem like I think I am though, to him)